Pretty & Darn Quick Reviews by Various & Sundry Rabble Rousers
“. . . she’s not even reviewing a film, she’s telling you how clever she is.”— All That Jazz
• About a Boy Charming: the boy Marcus. Disarming: the boyish Hugh. Alarming: junior high, “Lorena Bobbit for Surgeon General,” and the mournful mama Marcus has on suicide watch. Barmy Brits and karmic bits make it “smooth and winning.”
• About Schmidt Another comedic lecture in Professor Payne’s American Social Studies course, or an overlong infomercial? I found it disconcerting that a commercial for Childreach, the international child sponsorship organization that is Jack Nicholson’s character’s salvation, aired in the movie theater right before the critically lauded film began. Admirable indeed, to “promote the rights and interests of the world’s children,” but, just as I like to choose my movies, I like to choose my charities.
That said, About Schmidt offers an idiosyncratic look into middle-class middle American lives—character studies made unforgettable with an excellent ensemble cast àla Citizen Ruth and Election.
• Across the Universe “Have you seen it? It’s great. They’ve got stuff.” — Eddie Izzard for the benefit of Mr. Kite.
• Adaptation “Do I have an original thought?” When writer Charlie Kaufman questions his genius, the answer comes back in the form of a pastiche perfect follow-up to he and fellow original thinker Spike Jonze’ Being John Malkovich. Catherine Keener plays Boggle!—an apt metaphor for Kaufman and Jonze’ mind game antics.
• Alpha Dog The ballad of Jesse James Hollywood: Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be drugstore cowboys.
• Amélie A perfect Parisian ensemble of innocence and cynicism.
• Arrested Development Step behind the Orange Curtain for a delicious Balboa Bar and a Gob Bluth bon mot: “These are lawyers. That’s Latin for liar.”
• Australia Baz in Oz. Great expectations, punctured by over-inflation.
• Babel The way of the gun.
• Barton Fink “I can’t start listening to the critics, and I can’t kid myself about my own work. A writer writes from his gut. His gut tells him what’s good, and what’s merely “adequate. . . . If I ran off to Hollywood now, I’d be making money, going to parties, meeting the big shots, but I’d be cutting myself off . . . from the common man.”
• Big Fish Fresh, charming, delightful. Suspend your disbelief, (as we must do in our lives). As Balanchine said: “Non-reality is the real thing.”
• Big Love (polygamous Ring around the Rosie) and Saved! (JC GRL and her girl gang for Jesus) both use the Beach Boys’ “God Only Knows” for a theme song. ACDC’s “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” might be more àpropos.
• The Big Picture This 1989 gem should be required viewing for every film school grad. Once again, writer/director Christopher Guest proves he is ahead of his time:
Building Manager: You know who used to live here?
Nick: No, I don’t.
Building Manager: Take a guess. Very famous.
Nick: Clark Gable?
Building Manager: Nope. Guess again.
Nick: Marilyn Monroe?
Building Manager: Nope.
Nick: Errol Flynn?
Building Manager: You give up?
Nick: I give up.
Building Manager: Chuck Barris. The Gong Show guy.
• Blades of Glory Boxers, briefs, or spectacular spandex?
It’s no Ice Castles, or Zoolander for that matter, still and all, just the concept of (ex) married couple Will Arnett and Amy Poehler playing brother and sister is comedy gold.
• Blue Crush: North Shore, but with girls.
• Boarding House: North Shore Punch Drunk love.
• The Bourne Identity Ready. Set. Go! Ms. Potente sprints through Run Lola Run, then dashes with the dashing Matt Damon in Doug Liman’s stylin’ international thriller. Next film out, Franka says relax! Or at least she should.
• Carnivàle There’s no biz like showbiz, even amidst titanic rust colored dust storms in depression era Oklahoma:
Samson: I’m about to make you the offer of a lifetime. . . . How would you like a career in showbizness?
Ben: What’s the wages?
Samson: Nothing at first . . .
Tales told of the curious carnies’ code. DiVine DuVall. John Savage. John Doe. Samson the Magnificent. God and Babylon. . . . Yes, join this circus.
• Catch Me If You Can runs long. The film’s trailer and titles con you into believing it’s a keen comic flick—a nifty 60s biopic of the fumbling FBI and a scam(p) on the lam. At its core, however, is a melancholy tap dance between father and son. Still and all—a swell spin across 2 hours and 20.
• Chicago Bob Fosse’s All That Jazz is a rapturous musical feast—Chicago, written by Bill Condon and directed by Rob Marshall (based on Fosse’s stage version), is the razzmatazz cocktail to swill beforehand.
• Cold Mountain Beautiful scenery, fantastic music, especially in church’s “space” singing. Renee got all of the good lines (and the Oscar). Horrific battle scenes. A great diatribe against war, and what it can make normal people do, and it certainly exacerbates the already nastiness of terrible people. Minghella talks of “tribalism” North vs South, and, even after all of these years, I found myself disliking Southerners, despite my own Southern roots.
• Confessions of A Dangerous Mind With his latest endeavor, George Clooney proves he possesses more than bankable good looks—he also has an uncanny talent for directing. Utilizing genre-specific film techniques, Clooney escorts the audience through the adventures of Chuck Barris’ life. There is a surprising subtlety to the tone and performances in this picture given the strange and often fantastic events therein. Are the incidents real? Viewers won’t care—they’ll just be happy to have been privy to the Confessions.
• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Time-ravaged Brad, ravishing timeless Cate, moments borrowed from Forrest Galump, stolen moments from Magnolia. It’s small fry in a Big Fish pond.
• The Darjeeling Limited If you must pack your bags for a guilt trip, you might as well have matching Marc Jacobs (for Louis Vuitton) monogrammed suitcases. And a laminator. All that’s missing is a tea set for Frances.
• The Dark Knight Christopher Nolan’s sleek, yet long and winding road of a film is hijacked by Heath, the rare avis behind the jocund Joker — and Gotham’s mighty maelstrom: “I believe what doesn’t kill you makes you stranger.” Sigh.
• A Decade Under the Influence Auteurs articulate recollections of 70s films that were not just “canaries in a cage” — but viable life forces that effected cultural change. Prescient to what would happen once they hit the big time are found in an exchange between Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper’s characters in Easy Rider:
Peter: You know Billy . . . we blew it.
Billy: What? . . . That’s what it’s all about, man. . . . I mean, you go for the big money and you’re free, you dig?
Peter: We blew it.
Gracious is the wish these “easy riders raging bulls” hold for the new generation of filmmakers who interview the filmmakers for the Decade documentary: that is to continue to follow their dreams on the path of independence.
• Donnie Darko Graham Greene’s short story The Destructors is the thematic thread tied to writer/director Richard Kelly II’s exceptional indie film. To the purpose in these dark times.
• Down with Love Ewan McGregor as Catcher Block may act like a dog in his hounds-tooth jacket, but he really is the cat’s pajamas in this spritz of a film that winks at the war between the sexes while it works its 60s fashion sense.
• Dreamgirls Jennifer Holliday or Jennifer Hudson? Each imbue girl group standout Effie: one singular sensation.
• Eight Legged Freaks Add Arachnophobia and Tremors, subtract all campy humor and Kevin Bacon and you end up with Eight Legged Freaks. A poor excuse for a “camp classic,” it has little going for it other than a stylized marketing campaign. The most entertaining thing about the entire ninety minutes was the guy who sat behind me interjecting comments like: “They cocooned his ass.” If only someone would have cocooned the asses of the filmmakers, I would have been spared this lame mutant spider mess.
• 8 Mile Director Curtis Hanson may have indulged in risky business hiring Eminem as the imitation of the real Slim Shady’s life, but he sure played it safe with writer Scott Silver’s formulaic script. Eminem acquits himself nicely as an actor, and is particularly good in the rare moments of humor (check out he and Mekhi Phifer’s rap to the tune of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama”). Lacks the idiosyncratic characters of the fabulous Wonder Boys and the dark complexities of L.A. Confidential, but you sure can’t beat the authenticity of the slammin’ soundtrack.
• Entourage: One Day in the Valley
Drama: Vince, you know my policy. Except for work, I only go to The Valley November through March. And even then, only to Sushi Row.
Vince: C’mon Johnny, go for me.
Drama: I’d better hydrate.
By the episode’s end, Drama realizes what all of us Valley Girls already know: “Yeah, The Valley ain’t so bad.”
• Fantastic Mr. Fox Truly Scrumptious.
• Far From Heaven Gorgeous costumes, Technicolor-coordinated with the 1957 sets (Julianne Moore’s speckled winter coat matching the movie theater’s granite foyer is a stylish storytelling touch), illuminate ugly issues that have yet to be resolved. Many women in this millennium either do not recall, or recognize, the feminist movement. Ms. has reverted to Mrs. without anyone batting a false eyelash. Now that’s a real tearjerker.
• Finding Nemo Disney’s dementia division: When Pixar’s kids are bad, they’re horrid; remember vicious Sid in Toy Story? Dental (im)patient Darla’s no darling in Nemo; she and ditzy Dory swim away with this undersea story.
• Flight of the Conchords Watch this absurdist Kiwi comedy, and you will burst into song, just like Jemaine and Bret: “You’re so beautiful, you could be an air hostess in the sixties.”
• Glee “Well, if you want to sing out, sing out/And if you want to be free, be free.”— Cat Stevens as featured in Hal Ashby’s Harold and Maude. William McKinley The Go-To school for Glee and the E.L. Konigsburg classic, Jennifer, Hecate, Macbeth, William McKinley, and Me, Elizabeth.
• Good Night and Good Luck You stay classy George Clooney.
• Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List Funny girl Kathy is just like us. My case in point, in Season 1, episode 5, The New York Times photographer Stephanie Diani arrives to shoot the star for Griffin’s “The Red Carpet’s Bête Noire” 2/27/05 article. Stephanie okays the crooked tiara, suggests messy hair, and politely turns down Kathy’s “any chance you can retouch the photo” entreaty — just as she did when I whined about the photo for Oπe® & my “TiVo, Cable or Satellite? Choose That Smart TV Wisely” 9/5/04 interview (written by Ken Belson). Not to worry, Stephanie “Baby, make me a star” Diani does just that with her elegant eye and egalitarian camera.
• Gran Torino Cliché driven.
• The Great Gatsby (as referenced in Best Laid Plans)
Bryce: So we have survey courses to start, American Lit, Brit Lit, everything that should be taught in high school: Hawthorne, James, Fitzgerald.
Nick: “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly with the past.” F. Scott. Great Gatsby. That’s a book he wrote.
Bryce: We don’t actually read anything we teach. The department chair gives us Cliff’s Notes at the beginning of the semester, and we just say whatever’s in those.
• The Grim Reaper According to TV cult show Dead Like Me, Alice Sebold’s The Lovely Bones, and Woody’s latest Scoop — the sweet hereafter ain’t so sweet. Unresolved issues, investigations, and menial jobs take up valuable resting time. Thank God for the black humor death informs.
• Grindhouse Guns, Gals, Ghouls, and Gore a GoGo! Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino’s double feature issues the following warnings:
Don’t blaspheme.
Don’t call a Kiwi an Aussie.
Don’t take rides from strangers.
Don’t mess with Texas.
(Do, however, see Planet Terror and Death Proof, they’re Supersonic.)
• Hamlet 2 “The play’s the thing” becomes more playful with a snackatorium and Cricket in Times Square.
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets The trouble with Harry Potter isn’t Harry at all—it is the action and events that transpire without enough exposition in a story that, ironically, is far too long. Dobby, the Jar Jar Binks-ish character, is an elfish irritant. Moaning Myrtle haunting the loo and Kenneth Branagh’s love affair with himself, however, are magical fun.
• Heist David Mamet’s capable caper flick. It’s not wordplay — it’s wordspar.
• The Hoax Richard Gere moves with his gigolo groove but it’s Alfred Molina who really pulls off The Hoax.
• Holes Dig it.
• Hot Fuzz With both barrels blazing, the Brits bust the buddy cop genre to bits. Bloody good!
• The Last King of Scotland Forrest Whitaker’s performance as a beleaguered high school principal is quite competent in the R-rated after-school special American Gun. Skip it and see his embodiment of Idi Amin instead.
• I Love Your Work
Louis: He’s not a stalker, he’s a fan.
Gray: And Mark Chapman just loved The White Album.
Louis: Well, it was a good album.
• Inglourious Basterds Proving to schoolchildren everywhere: you can misspell and still write well.
• Insomnia These are the questions that keep me wide-awake. What happened to Paul Dooley? He disappears at some point in the movie. Why did Hilary Swank go to an only just released suspect’s home without backup? Why do grown men reference Star Wars in daily conversation? (Okay, Nicky Katt’s Obi Wan bit is funny.)
• Iron Man It may be Robert Downey Jr.’s rodeo, but to fans of Susan Pickett (not limited just to Annie Liebovitz and RC McGowan), it’s her visual effects show.
• Juno Screenwriter Diablo Cody knows who wears short shorts: Michael Cera! Superbad.
• Keen Eddie starring American actor, Mark Valley, as a U.S. police detective working in London with Scotland Yard. Quirky and quick; Valley is beautifully supported by topflight (Is there any other kind?) British “character” actors.
Inspector Monty Pippin: You, see, the key to understanding the English is not what they say, but the inflection. . . . the inflection implies the intention.
Detective Eddie Arlette: Well, give me a for instance.
Inspector Monty Pippin: When Sir Edward asked how my brother Tom was getting along, what he really meant was, I know where you live, you bastard. You and your brother will be living in a rubbish bin by the time I’m through with the lot you . . .
• The Kid Stays in the Picture Robert Evans animatedly revisits his decades under the influence through signature oversized rose-colored glasses.
• The Last King of Scotland Forrest Whitaker’s performance as a beleaguered high school principal is quite competent in the R-rated after-school special American Gun. Skip it and see his embodiment of Idi Amin instead.
• Lilo & Stitch Orphans! Aliens! Elvis! It doesn’t get more American “ohana” than that.
• Love Actually A wry slice of sigh.
• Lovely and Amazing is exactly that. In particular, the brief, yet multi-layered moment between Catherine Keener and heartbreaker Raven Goodwin. Rife with irony, the scene—set in McDonalds—elegantly addresses the political and social issues of race in addition to the beauty myth from which writer/director Nicole Holofcener’s heroines suffer.
• Mad Men Greg Kihn was ahead of time singing about the retro suits who “can buy New York with [a] plastic card”:
“Well, I get up every morning about 7 o’clock, catch the 9:02 and I make several stops. I keep the conversation and my pattern light, I hit the elevator, oh I feel alright. I check the numbers first and I’m right on time, I watch the traffic jam in a perfect line. Oh the city may burn but I keep my cool, on the best of days I think of school. I’m a Madison Avenue Man, I can make your fantasies part of my plan. I’m a Madison Avenue Man, well let me touch your money with my Madison hands, alright.” Madison Avenue Man
• Mad Men: Shut the Door. Have a Seat.
” . . . he knocked at the president’s door at Bascome and Barlow’s advertising agency.
‘Come in!’
Armory entered unsteadily. ‘Morning, Mr. Barlow.’
Mr. Barlow brought his glasses to the inspection and set his mouth slightly ajar that he might better listen.
‘Well, Mr. Blaine. We haven’t seen you for several days.’
‘No,’ said Armory. ‘I’m quitting. . . .I don’t like it here.’
‘I’m sorry. . . . You seemed to be a hard worker — a little inclined perhaps to write fancy copy —
‘I just got tired of it,’ interrupted Amory rudely. ‘It didn’t matter a damn to me whether Harebell’s flour was any better than anyone else’s. In fact, I never ate any of it.—This Side of Paradise-F. Scott Fitzgerald
• Mad Men Season Four Fall Out Three
• Marie Antoinette The girl in the curl.
• Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World Technically well done, but it’s no Captain Ron.
• Matchstick Men Is there anything wrong with an obsessive-compulsive disorder? Not when it puts the quirk in the con artist.
• Melinda and Melinda A cast of comedians with distinct voices of their own, yet Woody Allen’s odd harmonics still resound:
Josh Brolin (jumping on a trampoline): What do you do for exercise?
Will Ferrel: Tiddlywinks. And an occasional anxiety attack.
• The Method Fest You know when Martin Landau arrives in beautiful downtown Burbank to attend your film festival—you’re firmly pinned on the indiefest map. The Holiday Inn, the “official hotel” of The Method Fest is also the site of Frank T.J. Mackey’s infamous “Seduce and Destroy” seminar in Paul Thomas Anderson’s Magnolia. Talk about method acting.
• Milk Hope floats.
• Minority Report Tom Cruise falls into The Gap. Steven Spielberg does his utmost not to fall into his usual sentimentality trap. The total recall of long-ago plot twists (Witness, The Fugitive), however, mars its futuristic sheen.
• Mission Impossible III Shift into Cruise control.
• Monsters, Inc. The exhilarating swinging door ride is what Disneyland’s Space Mountain might look like if you blast off with the lights on. The Monster’s Inc. trailer promoting Harry Potter — sheer marketing magic.
• MTV Movie Awards 2002 Theme: “Movies Kick Ass.” They do. And so do co-presenters Jack Black and Buffy.
• MTV’s The Hills Laguna Beach Orange crush navel gaze.
• MTV Jersey Shore “These are not my people”.— John Joseph Cappa, 100% Italian American (aka The Boon) “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” — as illustrated by Michael Cera’s swelled-head gelled-head imitation photographed between Snookie and Sweetheart. Youth in Revolt!
• MTV2 School of Surf Malibu High School vs. Ocean City, New Jersey
Write Between the Lines: Were you ever aware of the cameras?
Skylar Lawson: “I was always aware because they were always in my face.”
• No Country for Old Men There will be blood.
• Nowhere in Africa An elegant evening gown serves as both contentious point of bitterness and savior of sanity for an exiled German Jew family in 1930s Kenya. Internal marital conflict set against the backdrop of WWII — on the vast plains of Africa — is yet another filmic realization of history’s necessary lessons.
• NYC Prep
PC: I want to get out of The City ’cause I’ve been here for 18 years . . . just meet a whole new crowd. Not be in the same bubble, with the same people and the same reputation . . .start fresh . . . I don’t know, the more I think about L.A., the more I dread it.
Kat: You realize you’re not going to do any work, you’re going to do the same things, you’re going to have the same drama, it’s absolutely inevitable.
• The OC We’ll miss those crazy kids’ antics, especially the boy banter:
Seth: I think I made the worst mistake of my entire life. Now I need to get Summer back and I have to get into Brown.
Ryan: Great. How?
Seth: That’s where you come in.
Ryan: We need a plan.
Seth: It’s going to be a long night, Ryan. A lot of whining, a lot of pining . . . Plan A: I fake my own death. You never want to underestimate the power of the sympathy vote.
Ryan: Is there a Plan B?
Seth: Yeah, yeah, I could hack in through the Brown firewall, into the admissions office mainframe, and reverse my acceptance.
Ryan: That’s actually good. You know how to do that?
Seth: I had an uncle who went to DeVry.
• Ocean’s Eleven Steve Soderbergh’s boys will be boys’ night out caper. Dapper Dan and neon glam.
• The Office BBC America broadcasts the pathos and bathos of office politics — without a bloody laugh track.
• The Office Of course we love the UK version, and we do ask for helpings of Extras, but take particular delight in the U.S. Office‘ shout-outs to other great TV shows: To wit:
Pam: “Movie Mondays” started with training videos. But we went through those pretty fast. Then we watched the medical video. Since then, it’s been half hour installments of various movies, with the exception of an episode of Entourage, which Michael made us watch six times.
• The Office: Cocktails
Dwight: Do you watch Battlestar Galactica?
Party Guest: No.
Dwight: No? Then you’re an idiot.
• Pan’s Labyrinth “Do you believe in magic, in a young girl’s heart?” Guillermo Del Toro’s masterful mix of historical fiction and fantasy results in a fabulous fabula.
• Personal Velocity and Women on the Edge of a Nervous Breakdown engage us with risqué and at-risk women and their tame-to-tragic tales. Both end with unborn babies who have a personal velocity of their own that will not be denied.
• The Pianist Adrien Brody survives the ravages of WWII in the streets and hiding places of Warsaw, and reveals with complexity the systematic progression of freedom lost when the sheer survival of his body, mind, and music becomes paramount.
• Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End True, there are underdeveloped storylines, overboard swashbuckling scenes, yet . . . Being Johnny Depp hallucinogens, knave Keith Richards guitar strums, the fey the feints the quirks and the quips call for a rousing round of Yo Ho Yo Ho a Pirates life for me.
• Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl A bit of Shakespeare, silent film, vaudeville, with many asides to a complicit audience. Depp at his most inventive; Rush stole his voice from Hannibal Lechter. All ages may safely enjoy this ride.
• Quantum of Solace Save the story, save the world. Despite the fierce pierce of Bond’s gimlet eyes, the film cannot be Bourne. Casino Royale is a much better bet.
• The Queen Helen Mirren may play the pristine Queen of England, but in real life she’s the girl in The Gap.
• The Quiet American A slow-moving, intoxicating look at love in Vietnam, and the American CIA’s backing of a third-party in the early 1950s—culminating in more than two decades of the U.S.’s involvement in the country. Michael Caine displays his usual brilliance. Brendan Fraser as the CIA operative; how does he get such juicy roles?
Editor’s Note: The Quiet American is based upon the Graham Greene novel of the same name.
• Rabbit-Proof Fence A beautiful film—handled with unusual cultural sensitivity. Kenneth Branagh is his superb self, playing an insensitive civil servant (who genuinely thinks he’s civilized and sensitive), the rest of the cast, for the most part, are Aboriginal young people with no prior acting experience. The result, filmed against an arresting Australian background, is a stunning triumph of the human spirit. The rabbit proof fence is a metaphor for the walls that separate the Aboriginal people from the white invaders of their ancestral land. Another example of colonial imperialism gone awry.
• Rachel Getting Married The cure for this melancholic, albeit fine film? Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab.
• The Real Housewives of Atlanta Mercy! You are cordially invited to this Aunt Pitty Pat party. Smelling salts optional.
• The Real Housewives of Atlanta Peach s(ch)nap(p)s.
• The Real Housewives of New Jersey — Season 2
“Counting the cars
On the New Jersey Turnpike
They’ve all come
To look for America.”— Simon & Garfunkel
• The Real Housewives of New York City Proving there is no difference between apples and oranges.
• The Real Housewives of New York City — Season 3
“You don’t wear chiffon on Christmas Day.” Gloria metes out wedding dress etiquette.
• The Real Housewives of Orange County White trash with cash.
• The Real Housewives of Orange County: No Boundaries
Gretchen: Are we brawling? Where do we live? Are we in Jersey?
• Real Woman Have Curves If you had to watch America Ferrera without dialogue, her facial expressions and body language would give all you need to know. Realistic and a fresh look at feminism. There is no man bashing, and everybody wins, even Mamá, who, it appears at first, doesn’t, but in the not-too-distant-future, will. A clash of cultures and generations where all come out with their dignity and self-worth intact. A terrific soundtrack as well.
• Reality Television is no longer a guilty pleasure. All of us who watch are just plain guilty. Leave it to The Simpsons to point out the error of our ways. In “Helter Shelter,” Homer and the family agree to reenact the 1800s time period for the “Reality Channel”:
Network Woman: The show’s getting boring. We’re losing viewers.
Network Man: I have an idea. It’s crazy, but it just might work. Like it did last week, on another show. We bring in the biggest, most famous star from a 70s sitcom whose phone hasn’t been disconnected.
Cut to Marge opening the front door:
Marge: Squiggy?
When Laverne and Shirley’s Squiggy fails to increase ratings, extreme measures are taken:
Network Man: All right, this still isn’t working. Fixing this show is going to take some original thinking. Everybody pull out your TV remotes and start flipping around.
The episode closes with the title Joe Millionaire spelled out in dollar bills—and Homer popping them in his mouth.
Homer: Mmmm . . . promo . . .
• Reaper: Charged
Sock: You’ve finally found the one thing you’re good at. You sent an escaped soul back to hell and you kicked ass. We kicked ass.
Sam: I’m good at stuff. OK? Other stuff. Right?
Sock: Ah, you do rock the house on Guitar Hero.
Sam: That’s what I’m talking about.
Kevin Smith fingerprints, Ray Wise pearly whites, & home store slacker boys brew tease and sympathy for the devil.
• Rocket Science Rapid fiery Anna Kendrick (New Moon’s bright star) foils Hal Hefner in this story filled with pluck and rue. We’re Spellbound in Jeffrey Blitz’ Garden State.
• Running With Scissors . . . and dancing as fast as I can.
• Tweaked Out: The Salton Sea Val Kilmer, sporting a faux-hawk and a big tattoo of the titular eerie landscape, portrays a meth addict, a snitch, a jazz musician or all three in this wannabe Tarantino meets Trainspotting po-mo mess. It poses the question: Who is this man and why is he so tortured? My answer: Who cares?
• School of Rock I know, it’s only rock ‘n roll — but I like it, like it, yes I do. Get yer hey ya-ya’s out in pedagogues Richard Linklater, Mike White, and manic Jack Black’s music appreciation class.
• Scrubs: My Chopped Liver . . . Speaking of TV’s love for TV . . .
TV Announcer in background: Stay tuned for more Gilmore Girls.
Turk: Mothers and daughters. They speak so fast, but they speak so true.
• Sex and the City: The Movie Much ado about/ hairdos fashion dos and shoes /Big girls soul mates true.
• Shopgirl We love gloves. As an aside, Frances Conroy appears to be the go-to mama for red-headed daughters. One exception, however, is Joan Allen, mother of Christopher Moltisanti’s fave D-Girl Alicia Witt in The Upside of Anger.
• Sidewalks of New York Brittany Murphy is the 2001 “It Girl.”
• The Simple Life: Mortuary Interns Nicole Richie (to clients): “We can arrange it, so you get washed with Irish Spring before you’re buried . . . since you’re Irish.” Did she pick up this excellent tip from her guest spot on Six Feet Under?
• Six Feet Under Death cab for cutie.
• Slither Slick sick flick.
• Slumdog Millionaire Luckily, the creators of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” did not pay attention to Newton N. Minow’s “Vast Wasteland” landmark speech, decrying TV (& particularly singling out game shows).
• The Sopranos Tower of power.
• The Soup Enlist in Joel McHale’s Navy. Splicing The Hills’ Spencer and Heidi’s horror show with The Hills Have Eyes 2 is reason enough.
• South Park Matt Stone and Trey Parker take no prisoners as they wield their mighty sword of a thousand truths, especially in episodes like Make Love not Warcraft.
• Spider-Man (A 2nd Opinion) Every time Tobey Maguire appeared, I kept waiting for him to pull out his Cider House Rules medical bag. He just could not sell me on the Clark Kent persona since he looks about ten years old, however, once the costume went on (and the body double stepped in) Spiderman came to life. About halfway through, when Macy Gray makes her cameo, you notice she is the only minority that stands out. From the stars down to the extras, diverse New York City is turned into Provo, Utah. The story is great, and the special effects are well done. George Lucas needs to take a look at this movie. Memo to George: fewer special effects, more story! By far the best part was the Green Goblin and psycho man Willem Dafoe. Every time he comes on screen you are instantly aware of just how good an actor he is. Like Nicholson’s Joker, Dafoe’s Green Goblin fits his personality well. You may have noticed I did not mention James Franco. My only hope is that he retires from acting before the sequel.—John J. Cappa
Editor’s Note: Commentary regarding Kristen [sic] Dunst in a wet tee-shirt and cheerleading movies “. . . this is where she excels” has been omitted due to the reviewer’s obvious unawareness of Ms. Dunst’s fine body of work, e.g., crazy/beautiful, Dick, E.R., and The Virgin Suicides, to name of few.
Additionally, the reviewer clearly was not an avid follower of Freaks and Geeks, in which James Franco did his best James Dean.
• Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron Executed with sweeping animation and minimal dialogue, Spirit is a rousing retelling of the settling of the old west, told from the point of view of a wild mustang whose spirit cannot be broken.
• Star Wars – Episode II: Attack of the Clones Blasphemy! I’m not a fan of the Star Wars series. This time out, however, I am impressed with ILM’s galactic extravaganza—the celestial cityscapes, the hallucinogenic-induced creatures, Amidala’s couture. The Anakin/Amidala love story? Loathsome. Hayden Christensen’s soul-deadening delivery of the cliché riddled dialogue? Excruciating.
• Starter for Ten James McAvoy plays a Bright Young Thing in this hip Brit 80s Quiz Show.
• Stick It and Bring it On Power puff grrrls.
• The Strangers
“Strangers in the night exchanging glances
Wond’ring in the night what were the chances
We’d be sharing love before the night was through?”
Chances are zilch in this chill summer horror flick filled with childlike singsong on vinyl, dollfaces masks, and helter skelter switches.
• Summer Heights High Why watch? Ikea: The Musical.Need we say more?
• Superbad Dazed and Confused Freaks and Geeks party on 70s style.
• Surf Girls Blue Crush, but with cheesecake and whine.
• Talk to Her Obsessive Love (El Amor Obsesivo), appears to be the theme of Pedro Almodovar’s Academy Award winning screenplay. Marco, a journalist, is obsessed by his ex-girlfriend, who was obsessed by drugs. Lydia, obsessed with being bullfighter, to upset her disapproving father. Benigo, a male nurse, first obsessed by mother, then by Alicia, the comatose girl in his care. Alicia, obsessed by ballet before her accident. Her ballet teacher, played by Geraldine Chaplin in a wonderful turn, obsessed by Alicia and by ballet. The director presents the viewers with a plateful of so-seemed misfits. In the end, however, each character has given something positive to Marco and Alicia, who, the audience is left to believe, will become obsessed with each other, in a healthy way. An interesting footnote: on a bedside table, a Spanish translation of The Hours.
• There Will Be Blood Double, double toil and trouble/Fire burn, and oil bubble.
• A polaroid of contributor Jesse Cole Crowder with the caption “‘SEEMS DIFFERENT’ since Feb. 2003” can be seen in the opening credits of the 2004 sci-fi film They Are Among Us. Ah, the things we do for our film school friends.
• Transformers Motormouth Shia LaBeouf is a fun Hasbro action figure — the only bright shiny toy is this 144-minute-long advert.
• Roll of Tropic Thunder, hear my cry. Tears of laughter.
• True Love Lovers smote by monsters in the shape of a precocious thirteen-year-old playwright or a made in Japan Godzilla cannot extinguish the true love in Atonement and Cloverfield. Stories told in novel and camcorder form, both heartthrobs are named Robert. Coincidence? Not in J.J. Abrams Lost world.
• Unhook the Stars What to watch on Mother’s Day with the woman who gave you life. Writer (with Helen Caldwell)/director Nick Cassavetes creates a lovely thank you for his lovely mother, Gena Rowlands.
• The United States of Whatever Paul McCartney protégé and Tenacious D best friend Liam Lynch’s musical flash of brilliance. Punk rock phenomenal.
• Wall • E Remember the Spike Jonze’ commercial for Ikea, “The Lamp?” The media is the mixed message.
• Whale Rider Winner of Audience Award: San Francisco, Sundance, and Toronto. A 12-year-old Maori girl in New Zealand struggles to change her grandfather’s patriarchal mindset. Through Paikea ‘Pai’ Apirana’s single-minded persistence and an astonishing ocean journey, she eventually convinces Koro that she is as equally capable as a male to head up their tribe — and that sometimes, certain traditions and cultural ways need to make way for the new. This is an optimistic, mystical, and spiritually uplifting tale the audience really wants to believe in, and therefore wholeheartedly does.
• The Wedding Banquet The following missive courtesy of acerbic attorney Dennis Wong:
Katy:
Michelle and I watched Ang Lee’s Wedding Banquet last night and were pleasantly entertained, however, we both agreed the screenplay is rather pedestrian. It merely chronicles everyday Chinese life. The story is particularly uneventful when compared to the drama and deceit that occurs at the Wong family on a daily basis. As a result, I would like you to visit my 98-year-old grandmother or my parents for the magic “four” days and evaluate whether my family is worthy of a screenplay or, at minimum, a sitcom. I really don’t want to extend myself if the end result is not marketable.
Thanks,
Dennis
• William McKinley The Go -To school for Glee and the E.L. Konigsburg classic, Jennifer, Hecate, Macbeth, William McKinley, and Me, Elizabeth.
• The Wrestler Who has his own action figure bobbling by the dashboard light? Mickey Rourke, that’s who.
• You, Me and Dupree — The Break-Up Funny girls Kate & Jen act more as fashion plates than soul mates in boys’ club members’ Matt + Owen & Vince + Jon’s romantic comedies.
• YouTube Why join? OMG! To try on the “Shoes.” — random review by Irish laddies MacGuinness and Killian.
Editor’s note: Or, go straight to another nice Irish lad’s website, Liam Kyle Sullivan’s a liam show. Betch.
Y Tu Mamá También The caddish charmers have a manifesto that includes such statements as: “Truth is cool but unattainable.” Ceci, the cool unattainable woman they wish to seduce, has one as well: “You’re not allowed to contradict me.” Ceci rules!
• The Rachel Zoe Project We die.
“She is not happy, unless everyone around her is panicked, nauseous, or suicidal.” — The Devil Wears Prada
Ashton: . . . We’re in Atlanta.
Brad: Have you run into any of the housewives of Atlanta? Like Nene or Kim?
Rachel: Brad’s a little obsessed with Nene.
Ashton: I understand. Demi’s obsessed as well.
• The Rachel Zoe Project — Season 2
“I can’t think of anything worse than showing up at an event in a suit that somebody else is wearing. It’s exactly like that episode of 90120 when Brenda and Kelly wore the same dress to their prom.”—Brad metes out prom dress etiquette.
• Zoolander Ben Stiller puts the moue in model Derek Zoolander. Owen Wilson’s too sexy for his smirk . . .
Last but not least . . .
Awards Season Understatements:
Lucy: Let’s face it, Ethel. You don’t win an Academy Award by patting poodles on the head and crowning queens.